Crowdfire Thoughts AKA My Secret Selfish Stressy Shame Spirals
Crowdfire and me are BFFs, but where the second F stands for frenemy. Crowdfire represents my most common form of mental self-abuse. I can’t be the only person who does this, surely?
It has to be one of my worst habits. It gets to bedtime, I go upstairs, I brush my teeth, I wash my face, then I climb into bed and check Crowdfire and…BAM. There’s a Thought. And there’s Another. And oh yep, here comes the procession of linked (always negative) other thoughts, turning in on themselves, building and rising and swelling into a complete and absolute Shame Spiral that leaves me biting my nails down to the nubs, chewing my lips until they bleed, and staring at the ceiling in the dark, totally unable to sleep.
Although these shame spirals aren’t always courtesy of Crowdfire, Crowdfire is 80% guaranteed to cause one. Crowdfire? Wassat?! I hear you cry. If you aren’t aware, Crowdfire is one of those double-edged swords of apps that lets you see balls-to-the-walls minute details about your Twitter or Instagram followers/followees. You can see who you follow but doesn’t follow you back; you can see who follows you but YOU don’t follow back. And, yes, you can see exactly who unfollows you, and when.
Which is great, sometimes. Sometimes it’s great. It’s great when someone who you always secretly thought was bloody irritating unfollows you. When you see that name pop up you do a huge mental WHOOP! and can’t hit that “PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY UNFOLLOW BACK” button quick enough. It’s also great for making people awkward around you too – more pass-agg, basically.
When it’s not so great is when the person who’s unfollowed you is someone who either you liked, or who you are now convinced actively dislikes you and you’ve got no idea why. And by “it’s not so great” I clearly mean “it’s absolutely shit and will easily cause you to lose hours of sleep if you let it”.
So, yes, tonight I checked CrowdFire and yes, somebody had unfollowed me and yes, I have no idea why and now I’m slightly paranoid that I’m just an obnoxious, annoying, awful waste of a meat-suit who clearly everybody dislikes but most are too polite to admit to doing. And yes, that led to the current Shame Spiral as my memory dragged out every single other incident that could possibly corroborate this fact. The super cool woman who blocked me that time (I’ve still got no idea why). The woman I REALLY BLOODY LIKED who blocked me for something that I really didn’t do. The countless people who I thought were pretty cool who unfollowed me. The offline friend who ditched me the other day. The friend who’s read my message but ignored it.
It’s very easy in these moments to tell yourself that you’re being an idiot, that you’re clearly just mistakenly thinking the world revolves around you and that people have their own issues and their own lives and you should pull your head out of your behind and get some perspective and BLA BLA BLA. Yes, it’s so easy to tell yourself those (correct) things. It’s a whole other continent to believe them.
Why do I keep this app when I KNOW that THIS is the result every time it shows me something I don’t like? Surely a tiny, bitchy, non-positive-karma thrill each time I can retaliate by unfollowing an annoying person isn’t worth all the rest? SURELY??!
Or maybe I’m just a sadist who likes these nights of little sleep and self-hatred. Maybe that’s it, and I’m even more of an idiot than I thought, and this entire post is confirmation.
Oh no, here we go again…